Lonliness
by Terra151
Summary: Havoc becomes frustrated at Roy continuing to sabatoge his chances with women and asks why. M for later chapters! Appreciate comments!
1. Questions

Roy sighed. The paperwork was ridiculous. And Riza was unsympathetic and demanded it was finished at the end of the day. He didn't want to be here…He wanted out… He glanced out the window and saw one of his subordinates outsides sitting against a familiar tree, sulking. Roy shrugged and took an opportunity to relieve himself of his boredom and went outside. He approached the blonde and sat beside him,

"You alright Havoc?"

Havoc just laughed and puffed on his cigarette.

"Sure."

Mustang cocked an eyebrow,

"Really?" He said in his usual sarcastic and skeptical tone.

Jean just sighed, obviously trying to control his irritation toward Roy.

"You wouldn't understand…"

Roy hated that phrase,

"Try me. Lady problems?"

"Sure, you could say that." Havoc answered cryptically.

"Ok…" Roy prodded.

Jean began to get frustrated,

"It's not just lady problems!" He paused, "I-I'm lonely…"

"…Jean-"

"-And all you do is cock-block me because you have to have every girl, just to maintain your stupid reputation!" Jean shouted, obviously carrying pent-up frustration about it,

Roy felt himself bristle. He was right. He always sabotaged Havoc. Without a doubt. Everytime. But Jean was stupid, because he clearly didn't understand the situation at all. And it didn't seem like a good time to explain it to him,

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" Jean asked, returning the skepticism.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you," Roy said coming to stand.

He knew that Jean wouldn't buy it. He'd see through the guise, but he couldn't tell him.

"That's a load of shit, Colonel. Why not just be honest, instead of giving me half-assed apologies?"

Roy grimaced. This wasn't going well.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

He took steps back toward the base but felt Havoc's hand on his shoulder to deter him.

"Just tell me why." Jean said, "Tell me why you can never let me be happy and meet someone. You always manipulate each situation and I want to know why."

Roy sighed and tried to compose himself before saying softly,

"…because I'm lonely too."

Roy could picture the surprise on his face and before he could react Roy pulled out of the blonde's grip and went back into the base. For once excited to fill out paperwork. He got back inside and tried to ignore Riza's questioning glance,

"Everything alright, sir?" She asked before shutting the door to his office.

"Don't ask." Roy groaned.

"Too late." She said standing in front of his desk, "I saw you two fighting out there…"

She always had a way of getting the truth out of him. Maybe because she was his best friend, and of his biggest supporters of his secret homosexuality, he supposed it was mostly because females seemed to fawn over gay men, Riza being no exception.

"Ugh…" Roy sighed, "It went horribly."

"Because…"

"He's pissed because I keep 'cock-block'ing him." Roy answered resting his head in his hands.

"But you are." Riza put in simply, "You didn't feel the need to enlighten him as to why?"

"That's the worse part…" Roy sighed, "I basically did…"

"Basically?"

"It was as classy as Edward Elric…" Roy moaned.

"Good God." Riza grimaced, "So I can assume he doesn't know?"

"I don't know…"

Riza sighed,

"Good luck, sir."

As she left, Roy stared at the papers on his desk, not sure which fate was worse, Havoc or papers. He sighed. How was he supposed to tell him the truth? He was right, he needed that reputation, otherwise everyone would catch on to the truth.

But of course that wasn't the only reason…

* * *

><p>Please let me know what you think! ^_^<p> 


	2. Answers?

_"Just tell me why." Jean said, "Tell me why you can never let me be happy and meet someone. You always manipulate each situation and I want to know why."_

_Roy sighed and tried to compose himself before saying softly,_

_"…because I'm lonely too."_

Mustang groaned as he put down his pen. He had done a pretty phenomenal job of avoiding Havoc. And the fact that no one asked him about it meant that he'd lucked out: Jean hadn't told anyone about their fight. He sighed, the last of his paperwork signed. It really was taxing to be a Colonel, weird coworker relationships aside.

He glanced up at the clock and saw that it was almost midnight. Hawkeye had left a while ago but he didn't dare join her, he was too swamped with paperwork and had too much on his mind. He groaned as he stood up. Cracking his back, and stretching his aching limbs. He sighed and gathered his things, getting ready to leave.

He was tired, but his mind wouldn't shut up.

He blew it. Now Jean would hate him. Now he would lose not only a possible lover but a good friend. He was so stupid sometimes. He had to talk to him. He had to make things right. But how could he? How could be possibly explain his behavior?

Knock it off… He told himself, tired of the mental warfare.

He opened the door to the office, the room was dark. Everyone was gone but him. He locked the office behind him and made it outside. He clicked the lock and made it to the stair when he stopped.

Havoc...

"What are you doing here?" Roy asked, his voice gravelly from lack of use.

The blonde sat upon the steps that led to the parking lot. His head was in his hands, and frankly, he looked exhausted. He looked up at Roy with tired eyes but they were determined,

"You spent all day avoiding me, but we need to talk so I just decided to wait."

Roy stared down at the blonde. The gaze lit his insides afire. He gave a soft shrug and looked away,

"I've been avoiding you?"

"Only all day…" Havoc said coming to stand. "You could have punished me for disrespecting you, but you didn't. What's going on Colonel…? You said, that you were lonely too…what am I supposed to make outta that?"

Roy continued to not look at him; he just stared absentmindedly at his vehicle a couple yards away. His voice was soft,

"You don't have to make anything out of it…" He felt stupid. Like a love-sick teenager who was too scared to confess. His pride was wounded. "Look, its late, I'm going home."

"Colonel." Havoc called, following after him. "You owe me an explanation."

"I don't owe you anything, Lieutenant." He said quietly, trying to control his emotions.

Havoc stopped, obviously hurt by what the Colonel said. He gritted his teeth before gripping Roy's arm angrily. He couldn't speak, he was so angry. Roy noticed the anger and tried to compose himself. To stay in that same strong façade. But he found that he couldn't.

"After all the time we've served together…you can't even bring yourself to give me an explanation?"

Roy looked at the ground, ashamed. His heart ached. He felt too vulnerable. Too exposed. This wasn't like him. He was usually so calm, always full of come-backs and remarks that stung his enemies and opponents…but Havoc wasn't an opponent. He cared for Havoc.

He let out a slow breath and slid his arm out of Jean's grip and covered the blonde's hand with his own. He didn't dare look at Havoc. Keeping his back to him.

"I…couldn't bear, to watch you with someone…"

"Why?" Havoc asked, his voice going soft to match Mustang's.

"I…" Roy faltered, and Havoc's eyes softened, realizing how tender the subject must be. He moved to stand in front of Roy, who still would not look at him. Havoc still had to keep his head upturned, given how tall Roy was.

"What?" Havoc pleaded, "Roy, we've been friends for years? What's got you so upset?"

Jealousy? The blonde wondered. Pride? Resentment? What would make him act this way? He'd thought earlier that Roy had been doing it just to pester him, to prove he was better than him. But now, he knew that that wasn't the case at all…but what?

"I don't want to see you with someone else..." Roy said, taking a deep breath and finally gaining confidence. Deciding if he was to say it…

Then damn it, he'd say it like a man.

"I don't want to see you with someone else, because I want to be with you, Jean."


	3. Contemplating

_"I don't want to see you with someone else..." Roy said, taking a deep breath and finally gaining confidence. Deciding if he was to say it…_

_Then damn it, he'd say it like a man._

_"I don't want to see you with someone else, because I want to be with you, Jean."_

* * *

><p>Jeans eyes widened. He paused, not sure if in good taste or in shock. Roy seemed to have come to terms with what he had said, because he didn't look ashamed.<p>

"You want…to be with…me?" Jean repeated slowly.

Roy nodded simply. Not willing to give him any more information. Havoc was a smart guy…he'd figure it out. Roy watched as his eyes filled with understanding.

"In a romantic way…" Jean finished. It was no longer a question.

"Yes." Roy answered solemnly.

Havoc remained silent for a long moment. He simply stared at Roy. As if he was unsure if he were telling the truth. As if to quell his doubts, Roy came close, his hand still holding Havoc's in his own. Jean tried not to tense up but remained. Their eyes locked and the blonde felt Roy's breath on his face.

"I've wanted to be with you for a long time…" Roy whispered, "But I didn't think…"

"That I'd want you?" Jean finished.

Roy nodded once more.

Jean looked down at his boots. It wasn't that he was overly opposed to Roy, but he'd never been attracted to a man before. And he was tentative to reject Roy, given how close they were. He let out a slow sigh,

"I'm…not saying no…but…this, is a lot to take in, Boss…"

"I understand that it takes time…" Roy answered easily, his voice still a whisper, "But I'd like it if you'd give me a chance…"

Jean looked into Roy's dark eyes.

"Boss…"

"Please…" Roy pleaded. His pressed his forehead against Jean's. Havoc couldn't help but flinch at the contact. "Please…" Jean shut his eyes, feeling somewhat afraid. The experience so foreign to him, but not unwanted.

He was just lonely. He told himself. He'd just said that to Roy this morning, he reasoned, that's why he hasn't pushed Roy away. Roy breathing was heavy, as if he were afraid. Havoc realized his own breathing was heavy as well,

"I-I need to think…" Jean stuttered.

"Okay." Roy answered, pulling away. Jean felt calmer now, more in control. Roy still looked wary, "But whatever you decide, I hope that this doesn't affect our friendship…"

Jean swallowed nervously. Not sure what to say, but he felt the same so,

"Me too."

* * *

><p>Roy left his vehicle and entered his home silently. He was unsure of how to feel. Should be somber? Hopeful? Anxious? He wasn't sure. He was grateful that Jean hadn't flat out rejected him or run away. He seemed surprised, and nervous to be sure…but not in the way Roy was expecting. It didn't look as if he were afraid of Roy but…something else…<p>

He grabbed a whiskey bottle, not bothering with a tumbler. He buttoned his jacket slowly, thoughtfully. What would it feel like having Jean strip him? He blushed and looked away. Probably would never happen, even if it was a nice daydream. Stripped of his uniform, he crawled into his bed; taking shot from the bottle. The warmth burning his mouth and throat. He couldn't get too hammered; he had to be at work in the morning. He laid back in thought, staring up at the ceiling.

He'd finally done it.

He'd told Havoc how he'd felt. What would happen if he said no? Worst cast: probably avoid him, but Roy didn't figure he'd tell anyone. Jean was still a loyal soldier. What if he said yes? That was an even more complicated question. He didn't even think Jean was gay.

But then again…no one thought HE was gay either…

Roy took another shot. He wished he could hope. But he found himself wondering why Havoc would want to be with him at all. He sighed, taking another swig from the bottle. He curled in the bed, wrapping his arms around himself.

Lonely…

* * *

><p>Jean made it back to the barracks and entered his room wearily. Breda looked at him and immediately questioned him,<p>

"Jean, you ok?"

"Yea…" Havoc said slowly, his eyes not focused on anything in particular.

"You sure?" Breda asked, "You get dumped or something?"

Havoc shook his head,

"Just…need to think for a while…"

Breda nodded and watched as the Lieutenant pulled out a cigarette and smoked it. He sat down on his bed and stared at the wall.

Colonel Roy Mustang, was gay. Colonel Roy Mustang, his superior, wanted to date him. Did he ever say date? Havoc couldn't remember…what if he just wanted to fuck? The thought made him blush and his stomach turn. He remembered how it felt to be so close to him, their foreheads touching. It hadn't felt bad…

But there was a huge difference between foreheads touching and dicks touching. He sighed and lay back on his bed. It wasn't that Roy was ugly. He was famous for being a good-looking womanizer. Jean wondered how much of that rumor was actually true.

He closed his eyes, picturing himself with Roy. Nothing too graphic, but Roy holding him. Napping? Sure napping, his breath tickling his forehead. Their fingers intertwined. It was odd. Not uncomfortable, but foreign. Something he'd never tried to imagine before. He wanted to be disgusted. To adamantly deny it. To be a real man. But Roy was gay…and he was a real man. Gay or otherwise.

He unlaced his boots and removed his uniform; crawling under his comforter…He lay silently, wondering if it was fair to say no. Obviously there was SOME interest. And after all, they were both lonely.

Why not see what the Colonel had to offer?

* * *

><p>Hello darlings! I know it's been a while. But I finally got my laptop fixed on R&amp;R and am now ready to keep updating my fics! As usual, please let me know what you think! I appreciate any feedback (that and it usually makes the updates come out faster) Happy Reading! ^_^<p> 


	4. Distractions

_*Hello all! I have been reading the reviews, and due to reader feedback this chapter was updated. Thank you for your support and suggestions.*_

* * *

><p>Why not see what the Colonel had to offer?<p>

Jean sighed as he entered the base. He flashed his ID at the door distractedly. Was he really going to go through with this? He waved at another Lieutenant greeting him, but he didn't actually look at him. His heart was pounding rapidly. He really was going to go through with this… He entered the office and immediately sat down at his desk.

"Morning Star-shine." Breda teased, "What's up with you?"

"Nothing…" Jean said simply.

"Uh huh, sure…" Breda rolled his eyes.

Falman gave Breda a questioning look who just shrugged. Fuery cast a look to Hawkeye who shook her head. It was no one else's business. So, as Hawkeye silently instructed, they left him alone.

Jean tried to work, he really did, but he couldn't concentrate.

Could he really do this? Fuck the Colonel? Date the Colonel? He ran it through his head again. Trying to picture them together. How it would affect them at work. There were so many factors to consider…his thoughts were a chaotic jumble.

_No!_ He told himself, _I thought about all of this last night! I said I would give it a try! _But it was hard not chicken out_... It's Colonel Mustang for christ-sake! B__ut he's your friend! _He argued in this thoughts._ Besides, you just complained that you were lonely..here's a perfect oppurtunity from Central's very own playboy! Oh god...he's going to have so much experience over me... Although, he didn't make me feel weird about it yesterday...but then again, he did just hold my hand... That's what I don't get! Why would he want **me**? This whole thing has me so confu-!_

"Lieutenant Havoc," Riza's voice cut off his musings, "The Colonel would like to speak to you."

He nodded and went to his office, shutting the door behind him.

* * *

><p>Roy watched the blonde enter his office nervously. He wanted to sigh, this didn't look good. But he tried to greet him professionally,<p>

"Morning, Havoc. Have a seat."

He did so, sitting on the loveseat. Roy moved to join him,

"Hawkeye says you've been distracted."

"Yes sir…" Havoc mumbled,

Roy gave him an inquisitive glance,

"Everything ok?"

Jean looked up then. Not angry, but clearly torn.

"I-I've just been thinking about…about what you said…"

Roy nodded gently,

"I'm glad…any conclusions?"

Jean looked away. His face flushed. He looked unsure. Nervous. Understandably so, Roy concluded. God he loved how looked in that uniform and how embarrassed he looked. He wished the Lieutenant wouldn't be so shy around him...

"I…" He paused, growing frustrated with his embarrassment, "Can I smoke in here?"

Roy nodded, allowing an exception,

"Jean." He spoke gently, watching the blonde light the cigarette, "You don't have to be nervous around me. I'm not going to treat you any different if you say no."

Jean looked at him curiously as he took a drag,

"Oh ya?"

"Ya." Roy nodded once more.

Jean looked down, his elbows resting on his thighs.

"I don't know, boss…" He took another drag, "I've never done anything like this with a guy before…much less my superior officer."

Roy smiled gently. That was a serious understatement... He placed a hand on Jean's. The blonde looking up at him inquisitively,

"Again. You don't have to, but I think it's worth a shot…"

Jean looked away then. Clearly afraid to say what he was thinking.

"So what then…just sex…?"

Roy laughed, it was gentle. Amused at the blonde's question.

"No, that wasn't my intent…"

"So…dating then…?" Jean asked, relying less on his cigarette.

Roy gripped the hand then, his thumb stroking his knuckles,

"If you'd be willing to try…"

Jean clearly tried not to enjoy the contact. His fingers trembled, before he slowly gripped the hand in return. Roy smiled. Jean looked up at him,

"I don't know how I am supposed to do all…this." He motioned at them both.

Roy's grin grew, and for once, it wasn't usual smirk. He was beaming. He was entirely pleased. Jean didn't say no...he'd thought...no it didnt matter what he'd thought Jean was going to say! Jean had essentially said yes!

"Me either, but we'll figure it out together…"

Jean nodded and let Roy kiss his cheek. Roy the hand one final squeeze before saying quietly,

"Is there anything else bothering you?"

Havoc shook his head no. Now that he'd settled this…obviously much of his stress was gone. Roy nodded and went back behind his desk, letting go of Jean's hand. Roy missed the contact, and it looked like Jean did too. Havoc put out his cigarette and stood at Attention. Roy had to admit that he loved how sexy Jean looked at Attention for him. Mustang uttered with a wink,

"Dismissed."

* * *

><p>Jean came out of the office and the others looked immediately relieved. So apparently, he looked a lot better. He was finally able to concentrate now that he wasn't so distraught. Obviously he was a little distracted, but he did feel better. Albeit, very confused...<p>

_I just accepted. Holy shit..._he thought to himself._ It's alright...just give it a chance... But I've ever thought of a guy that way before! But you just let him hold you hand and kiss your cheek! Didn't it feel exactly the same as when a girl does it? I dont know!_

He shook his head and went to work, trying not to think of the implications of his feelings. He filled out his share of the DA forms, occasionally fouling up due to cluttered thoughts, but still, at least he could work now.

As the others began to trickle out, heading home, he found himself staying behind.

"Hey, Havoc. You wanna grab a brew with us?"

"Nah I can't." Jean said easily, "A little behind…"

Breda nodded; the others seemed to buy the excuse as well,

"Well, see you tomorrow!" Fuery said cheerfully.

"Have a good night." Riza said.

"You too." Jean replied easily.

He watched the door close and glanced at Roy's office. His door was shut as well. But the light was still on… He continued his paperwork, or at least pretending to. He would not go in that office. He wouldn't. He found himself staring at the wooden door. _Should I go in? _He thought. Was Roy waiting for him? Was he busy? He groaned and kept working. Not that he was really that behind…

No! He would not go in! He would not go-

_Click! _

Jean glanced up when the door opened. Roy leaned against the frame, casually looking in.

"You're still here?" Roy asked.

"Ya…got a little behind…" Jean answered nervously. _Should I have left with everyone else?_

Roy smiled,

"Well I'm glad; I wanted to talk to you anyway."

Jean looked up then.

"Really?"

Roy plopped down on the chair beside him. Not too close thankfully… Jean put the work away and turned to face Roy. He realized now that he'd taken off his uniform coat. Normally this wouldn't have bothered Jean…but now…

"Ya, you know, now that we have some time to ourselves."

Jean nodded warily, and found himself asking before he thought better of it,

"You said you wanted to be with me…but not for how long…"

Roy pursed his lips in thought before saying slowly,

"About 2 years now."

Havoc's eyes widened. He hadn't known that. All this time…he'd thought that he was just his friend and occasionally an asshole, but he'd secretly been looking at him in a way he never would have guessed.

"That's a long time, boss."

Roy nodded wearily. He put his hand over Jean's once more,

"I'm glad though…it gave me time to really get to know you though and to be your friend."

Jean smiled,

"Ya. I guess that's true…"

The thumb stroked his knuckles again and Jean blushed as his stomach flip-flopped. Granted, it wasn't his first rodeo in this area, but goddamit Roy was his boss and friend! It'd been a long time since someone had held his hand...it felt nice...He swallowed nervously, not sure how to react.

"Should I stop?" Roy whispered; his voice low.

"N-no…it's fine." Havoc said softly. Why did he say that?! _Tell him to stop!_

But he didn't...They'd grown closer; Jean realized suddenly when their knees touched. How that had happened, he no clue…but now they were leaned in close, as if they were sharing a deep secret. Roy looked happy. Happier than he'd seen him in a long time.

"So, why did you cock-block me, rather than just say how you felt?" Jean spoke softly, their faces close.

"I didn't know how you'd react. But when you talked about your dates…I'd get so jealous…"

Jean smiled; somewhat happy he'd been able to make the great Roy Mustang jealous.

"So were you really dating a bunch of women all this time?" He questioned.

"No." Mustang replied, his voice equally as soft, "I have to put up a façade, otherwise people begin to wonder about me…mainly Hawkeye helps me in the rumor regard…"

"Oh really?"

"Yea…" He chuckled, "She tells Sheska outrageous stories and then the rumors fly…"

Jean shook his head in good-humor.

"I've never had anyone, care enough about me to go through all that trouble before."

Roy's eyes softened at that. He leaned forward, and slowly, carefully, captured Jean's lips. The blonde's eyes widened, but he didn't move. He let the sensations wash over him. Trying to decipher how he felt. It wasn't bad…but very confusing. The soft skin caressing his own, the breath tickling his face, the hands cradling his own..._Don't respond! Don't like it!_ He begged himself. But he couldn't hide the truth...

He did like it.

Roy pulled away, although just far enough for their foreheads to touch,

"You are _very_ precious to me, Jean…"

Jean felt his heart turn over. Colonel Roy Mustang, wanted him. Cared about him. In a way no one else had. The fact that he was a man, that he was his friend, that he was his boss…all seemed trivial. He closed his eyes, taking the plunge.

And kissed him back…

* * *

><p>Hello dears! You all have been so supportive! Please let me know what you think of this chapter, a lot of love and thought went into it! I appreciate any constructive feedback given! ^_^<p> 


	5. First Date

Jean was nervous.

He straightened his jacket once more and flicked the fringe of his hair. He wanted to look perfect for their first date. God knows Roy would. His hands trembled as he resisted the urge to smoke a cigarette. He didn't want to smell like smoke all night and have a tar mouth… _…in case we kiss again_. He flushed at the thought. It all was still so embarrassing.

He knocked on the door, trying to calm his thoughts. He swallowed nervously before the door opened. Roy, of course. Jean blinked as he took him in. Dark slacks, a maroon button up, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, a dark vest over it, his hair flawless, and his perfect smile pulling it all together. Jeans stomach did a somersault. It was difficult to want to go anywhere now that he'd seen him. Were his pants this tight when he'd put them on?

Roy smirked at his flushed face, "Well, don't you clean up nicely."

Jean gave a nervous grin. Roy pulled the blonde inside gently. Allowing Jean a moment to glance around his home. Adorable. He shut the door behind him and pulled Jean against it. Jean's eyes widened and his blush grew as Roy leaned down to kiss him. God he was a good kisser. His lips giving feather-light touches at first. Roy prodded his lips gently open, coaxing his tongue to play with Roy's. Jean couldn't help but let out a low groan. He'd missed this…

Roy pulled away and stared down at the blonde, "You ok?"

Jean nodded quickly and looked away. Roy chuckled and kissed the soft skin of his neck, making Havoc flinch at the sudden pleasure flaring through him. His eyes connected back with Roy's and saw he was frowning.

"You haven't said a word yet…"

"Sorry," Havoc mumbled, "Nervous."

"Don't be." Roy assured him. "You smell different."

Havoc flushed a little, "its new cologne…"

"No it's something else…" Roy commented thoughtfully, "Did you smoke today?"

Havoc eyes widened in surprise before he shook his head guiltily. "No, I didn't want to smell like smoke…"

Roy let out a bemused grin before capturing his mouth once more. Jean melted into the touch. He felt Roy hands fiddling with his pants, clamoring to his ass and squeezing. Jean let out a pleasured moan as he felt Roy's fingers slip into his back pocket. He pulled away, bringing Jeans cigarettes up to their eyes from where he'd found them in the blonde's pants. He plucked out a cigarette and delicately placed it in Havoc's mouth before lighting it for him. Jean looked at him surprised and touched at the gesture before taking a puff. _Oh heaven…_ He took another, savoring the taste. Roy grinned at his expression, "Better?"

"Oh god, yes." Jean replied. "But are you sure the smell won't bother you?"

Roy shook his head, "It's never bothered me. I like that about you."

Jean grinned sheepishly as he finished the cigarette. "Ready to go?" he asked.

"Whenever you are," Roy replied, taking his hand. Jean gripped the hand tightly as he let Roy lead him out of his house. They walked on the sidewalk toward the restaurant they had agreed on. Something simple, and inexpensive. Jean was nervous, not only about their date, but about holding hands with a man in public. Roy understood, he was frightened, justifiably so. It was a lot to take in for a man that had never embraced his sexuality before. Jean was quiet again; Roy turned to look at him and smirked. "You act as if you've never gone on a date before…"

"Not with a guy," Jean replied quickly, taking the bait. "Besides, it's been a long time since I've had a successful date thanks to_ someone_…"

Roy chuckled, "Alright. Alright, point taken."

The tension subsided at their laughter. Jean walked alongside Roy now, rather than following meekly. It felt good. "So what about you?"

"What about me?" Roy replied.

"Ever been on a date with a guy?"

Roy chuckled, "No, I wouldn't call any of them dates. I've gone to clubs and gone home with some guys but I've never wanted to try to get know anyone else. Getting close to you… it's a first for me."

Jean felt his heart swell. "Oh…"

"And it's not even about the sex or that I'm some shallow guy afraid of commitment. It's just, most people, men and women, aren't very interesting at all."

_And I am?!_

"You're the first person I've met who has so much depth and personality, and you would never know it to look at you. You keep it so well hidden and so neatly packaged to military standard. I could see it in your eyes, the spark of something more, and I've spent every day since then trying to see more of that side of you."

Jean was speechless.

This was beyond loneliness. He really had carried feelings for Jean for two whole years! _Deep feelings!_ Jean's hand trembled in Roy's grip. The raven-haired superior stopped and glanced over at Havoc. He wouldn't look at him. He looked at the ground, his grip tight in Roy's hand. "Hey, you ok?" Roy asked gently.

The blonde nodded, not looking up, "I'm sorry…I never realized_…" How you felt. How much you wanted me. How beautiful you really are._ Roy smiled and tipped his chin, bringing the blue eyes to his own.

"You weren't meant to realize it…I was petrified you would and I wouldn't get to be close with you anymore," he paused then, "I wasn't ready yet, I still might not be…" Roy chuckled. He leaned down and gave the blonde a chaste kiss.

Jean flushed and looked around quickly. "Roy, we're in public!" he hissed.

Roy laughed outright at his embarrassment. "Sorry," he conceded gently. His tone still amused. The rest of the walk was silent, but pleasantly so. Jean finally managed to look other strangers in the eye, rather than looking at the ground.

The restaurant wasn't crowded. That was what soothed Jean immediately. None of the awkward half-shouted conversation over the hum of a busy restaurant. Just soft tones and a small table; where their legs could touch and their fingers interlock without a thousand eyes on them. The waitress was chipper, overly so, probably because of how handsome Roy was, but he paid her no mind. Havoc smiled at that. He'd never really been the focus of anyone's full attention before, not romantically.

Their crowded the others space under the chairs, touching at the knees and mingling under the table lazily. Roy's handheld Jean's as they ordered, his thumb brushing over his knuckles. Havoc stuttered out his order, unsure whether he was embarrassed about the waitress seeing them holding hands or whether it was his inner teenage girl swooning at how wonderful Roy was.

_Probably both. _

The waitress flounced away and Havoc flinched when he turned and saw Roy's eyes fixed on him. "So…" Jean said softly.

"So, what do you think of the place?"

"I like it," Jean answered quickly, "Quiet and spacious. Perfect."

"Good," Roy said quietly. "I have a question."

"Shoot, boss." Jean answered quickly.

"What are you looking for in a relationship. I mean when you dated those women, what were thinking of finding?"

Havoc flushed and his eyes widened. He'd be stupid not to see where this question was headed. "Companionship…"

"Not love…" Roy prodded.

Jean grinned, "Love is a big expectation… a lot of people go their whole lives without finding someone that they love…" he paused then, looking at the table, "Companionship was all I could realistically hope for."

Roy's eyes looked sad, "You don't see it, do you?"

"What?" Jean questioned.

Roy brought the blonde's hand to his lips and kissed the knuckles. His free hand coming to stroke the soft skin of his jaw, "You're a really wonderful guy, you could have anyone you wanted…"

Jean pulled away then.

_Too fast_. He thought immediately. _This is happening way too fast_. Roy seemed to sense his discomfort and nodded knowingly before putting his hands back on the table, his fingers still intertwined with Jean's.

"Sorry…" Jean mumbled.

"Don't be," Roy assured him, "This goes at whatever pace you're comfortable with…"

Jean looked at him then. Searching for some sign of dishonesty. There wasn't any. "What if this is all I can do?"

Roy understood. What if they never had sex? "I have no expectations of you, Jean. Just honesty. You tell me where and how far you are willing to go. If we hit a limit along the way, that's ok. I have limits myself."

"Like what?" Havoc questioned.

"I don't have sex when drunk," Roy said firmly, "At all."

"Really?" Jean questioned, "Why?"

"I don't want to be put in a delicate place of trust and be unable to rely on my own judgment." Roy said softly. His eyes weren't looking at Jean's anymore, they were at his forehead. Pretending to hold his gaze confidently, but Jean knew better.

"Bad experience?" Jean asked gently.

Roy gave a curt nod, "I don't make the same mistakes twice."

Jean smiled and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "Good."

Their food arrived and they ate quietly then. Every now and then commenting on the food or on something they noticed. Jean mainly enjoyed the feel of their legs gently touching. Not even moving or groping, just simply having a physical touch with someone. It felt good. He glanced up and saw Roy staring at him. "What?"

Roy leaned over and wiped a drop of sauce from his chin. Jean flushed in embarrassment. Roy then placed the finger against Jean's lips expectantly. Jean went crimson as he gave the finger a delicate lick before taking it into his mouth. His tongue swirling along the digit as he sucked off the sauce. He looked up and saw Roy's eyes were smoldering.

When the bill came they decided to split it, rather than have to have an embarrassing argument over who was the 'bitch' on this date. The walk back was still quiet but now because of tension. Sexual tension. They still held hands but now they walked much closer, shoulders brushing with every step, each breathing in the other's scent.

They came to Roy's home and Roy didn't bother inviting the blonde in but simply led him inside. Once the door was closed Roy was on him. God that glorious mouth! Jean moaned as Roy lit a fire in him. _This is Roy Mustang! _His mind argued. But it felt so good! There was no space inbetween them. Roy's hands wandered across his sides and back. Jean's hands tentatively clasped his shoulders, still a bit unsure. Roy nipped at his bottom lip, tearing a whimper from Jean.

Roy pulled back, trying to catch his breath. Jean struggled with his own breathing, leaning his forehead against Roy's chest. _It shouldn't feel this good…_

Roy ran a hand through his hair and down his back. Soothing. Gentle. _Roy Mustang is gentle_. What an odd thought. Finally under control Jean's eyes connected with Roy's once more. Tenderness lurked there. _Oh…_ His heart twinged. "Coffee?" Roy asked casually.

This was his moment. Stay or leave? Roy was searching his gaze, trying to see if Jean was uncomfortable. Jean bit at his bottom lip for a moment before giving a soft nod, "Sure."

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><p>Hello dearies! Here's an update for you! I actually had a lot of fun writing this chapter so please let me know what you think! ^_^<p> 


	6. The Morning After

_"Coffee?" Roy asked casually._

_This was his moment. Stay or leave? Roy was searching his gaze, trying to see if Jean was uncomfortable. Jean bit at his bottom lip for a moment before giving a soft nod, "Sure."_

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><p>Jean didn't know what he was expecting, but for some reason he didn't think Roy had really meant coffee when he'd asked. So he was surprised when Roy actually made coffee. Jean followed him into the kitchen and watched him work. He felt awkward, but didn't say anything. <em>What should I do? <em>As the coffee began brewing Roy looked over at Jean and grinned, "You're adorable, you know that?"

Jean chuckled, "Adorable isn't exactly complimentary, boss."

"It suits you," Roy assured him as he gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. His heart still thumped in surprise and pleasure at his kisses. "How do you like your coffee?"

"Blonde," Jean replied. "And sweeter than a cavity."

"Gotcha," Roy winked. He poured them both cups of coffee and dressed Jean's coffee, giving it to him to taste-test.

Jean brought the warm liquid to his lips and smiled in pleasure, "Mhmm...delicious."

Roy clasped his hand and led him to the living room. "Come on..."

"Wait, what are we-?"

Roy stretched out on the couch lazily and pulled Jean beside him. _What the-?! Oh shit!_ Havoc stiffened initially, trying not to spill his coffee. He looked up at Roy surprised. _I'm not ready for this_! He watched as the raven-haired man plucked a book up from the coffee table and placed a gentle kiss on Jean's temple before reading aloud, "Humankind cannot gain anything, without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange."

_He really is a great guy... _Jean gave Roy an amused smile before nestling closer to the warm body. "No, read me where you're at. We don't have to start from the beginning."

"One sec," Roy said as he flicked the pages, "Okay...The use of alchemy in terms of science is complex and requires much study. To master..."

Jean sighed and sipped on his coffee, listening to the soothing sound of Roy's voice in his ear. _Wow, this isn't scary at all..._ He leaned his head on his neck, tucking his forehead under Mustang's chin. He felt safe, he realized. Despite his many fears, Roy managed to put him at ease. It was wonderful, the touch, the connection, the closeness...

He awoke to light streaming in through the window. He didn't know exactly when he fell asleep but he felt comfortable. Roy was sleeping beside him, the book resting on his chest, with his head leaned against Jean's. They were close and awkwardly positioned, but Havoc hadn't slept this well in a long time. He realized his hand was placed on Roy's chest, and liked how natural it felt. His fingers began to wander, wanting to explore the broad chest.

He looked up nervously, making sure Roy was still asleep and then continued his investigation. It was different, no breasts obviously. Firm muscle, powerful under his hand. It was nice, he realized. He let his fingers trail down his abs. He could feel the pumped abs under the fabric of his shirt. He'd never been attracted to a man before, but he looked at Roy's sleeping face and couldn't help but feel hypnotized. He really was gorgeous.

Roy shifted his legs and Jean felt the man's morning wood press against his thigh. _Oh holy fuck! Roy Mustang's hard on!_ He flushed and his eyes widened in shock. He tried pulling away but Roy's other arm was wrapped around his back and waist, keeping him securely pinned to the sleeping body.

He whimpered as he realized Roy's leg was pressed on his own manhood. Suddenly Roy's breathing was hot on his neck, making him blush and his heart begin to pound. _Oh god!_ The hand at Roy's chest clasped the shirt in his fist. _What should I do?! What should I do?!_

"Ah, good morning, gorgeous." Roy's voice rumbled in his ear. Jean shivered at the sound, his body responding more then it should.

"Hi..." He muttered, trying to calm his body.

"You sleep alright?" Roy asked, kissing the blonde's neck. Jean whimpered and leaned into the touch.

"Mhmm..." he muttered with a nod, burying his face in Roy's chest.

Roy tipped his chin and forced him to look at him, "You don't have to do anything you don't want to..."

Jean's eyes widened in shock. _He knows!_ "I...I don't..."

Roy's gaze softened and he connected their lips, cradling his face with his free hand. Jean let out a moan and couldn't help but respond. _It's been so long..._Jean's hand found their way into Roy's hair, tugging gently. He pulled them closer, enjoying the contact. He jumped when he felt Roy grind their erections together but couldn't object. _Oh god...it feels so good._

Suddenly Roy pulled back, his chest heaving with effort. _Fuck I want this..._ Jean licked his lips and realized they both were breathing unsteadily and were rock hard. _Wait, I want this..._ "Roy, I think I'm gay..." Jean whimpered somewhat ashamedly. Roy's eyes softened and he cradled Jean's head gently,

"No no no, Jean..." he soothed. "Don't do this...don't make this relationship about whether or not you're gay..."

Jean felt his chest constrict. _Shit..._ He was right. He had tarnished the beauty of it by labeling himself a faggot. "Sorry..." he whispered.

"Forget gender..." Roy whispered, "This is about us..." He kissed Jean once more, gentle, reassuring. Jean felt his heart flip flop. When Roy pulled back, Jean couldn't look at him. "It's ok, sweetheart..."

"Sweetheart?" Jean questioned, suddenly amused.

"Of course," Roy assured him. "Come on, I'm thinking breakfast."

Jean watched him stand and walk into the kitchen. He couldn't move he was so dumbfounded. _What a guy..._ Roy looked back, took in his bemused face and flashed him a wink as he began to cook breakfast. Well, apparently dating Roy Mustang wasn't all that bad...

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><p>Hello dearies! New update! I'm so excited! Please let me know what you think! ^_^<p> 


	7. Lighthearted

Dating Roy Mustang was surprisingly easy.

He was kind and considerate, and funny as hell. They had been friends for years but this seemed to add a whole new dynamic to the relationship. They still mostly did the same things, drink beer, bitch about the government, laugh and joke with each other…but now Jean could see the fierce intensity in Roy's eyes. His molten hot desire piercing him through onyx irises left Jean feeling breathless.

They had dinner together almost every night of the week, and Jean could begin to feel the heavy ache of loneliness drift away. They hadn't had sex yet, which was just as well because Jean could hardly fathom that next step. Instead Roy would kiss him, teaching him how to he liked to hear Jean moan into his mouth or tug on his short blonde hair and nip at his neck. It reminded him of being a teenager again, but Jean realized that maybe that was what Roy was shooting for. Jean had never really gotten to experiment sexually as a teenager…so maybe this was Roy's way of letting him explore in a safe but familiar environment.

They both remained professional at work, well as much as they already were. They all still bullshitted each other in the office, Havoc still smoked in the office, Riza still fired warning shots at Roy's head. It was nice, to keep the peace in their safe haven of the military but have a secret time all to themselves. Jean wondered if Roy had told any of the other soldiers. Probably Riza, he figured. But Jean didn't feel inclined to share the news, and the couple had yet to discuss it. Maybe they should…

"Hello! Earth to Havoc!" Breda teased, shouting obnoxiously in his ear.

Jean flinched and batted Breda with a manila folder, "Jesus! Can't you recognize a man deep in thought?!"

"Well, I've been talking to you for the past five minutes and you've been daydreaming. Not even subtly, might I add."

Jean rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Sorry, just a little distracted,"

"Ya, _distracted_…" Falman interjected skeptically. "Who's the girl this time? You have your 'Romance' face on,"

Jean flushed and felt his stomach sink.

Oh shit…

He snuck a glance over at Roy and saw that he looked pleased. "Ya Jean, who's the girl this time?"

"That's just mean Colonel," Kain whined, "He probably hasn't even asked her out yet, and you're already set to steal her,"

Riza plopped an uncomfortably large stack of papers on Roy's desk before muttering, "He doesn't have time to be stealing dates anyway, with all of this work he's put off…"

"Ha!" Jean cheered, "Guess this one's mine Colonel."

Roy smirked and gave him a secretive wink before attending to the paperwork. Jean flushed and went back to his own work but not before Breda teased him once more, "Dude, why are you blushing?!"

"Shut up, Breda!"

They worked until closing formation and Falman tapped Jean lightly on the back, "Where have you been lately? It's like we never see you anymore,"

"Eh…I've just been busy," Jean replied.

"Okay, seriously," Breda deadpanned. "Who is she, and why haven't we heard about her yet?"

"Nobody!" Jean insisted.

"Oh man, is she hideous?!" Breda shouted, "Is that why you're scared to show her to us?"

"What?!" Jean shrieked, "No!"

"Just tell me the truth," Falman began and Jean felt his heart leap into his throat, "Are you sleeping with Breda's mom?"

"Dude!" Breda shouted, swinging at Falman's head, "You can't go around insulting a man's mother!"

Jean chuckled and felt the air return to his lungs. "You caught me…"

It was Kain who laid a gentle hand on his arm. He had that tender and insightful look in his eyes, "You really like her don't you?"

Jean looked away, "It's…it's complicated…"

"It really IS Breda's mom!" Falman cheered triumphantly.

"Shut up, you asshole!"

They turned to see Riza leaving Roy's office, "Lieutenant Havoc, the Colonel would like to speak with you for a moment,"

Before Jean could react he heard Breda from behind him. "Ooh, someone's in trouble…" Breda sing-songed.

"God, what are you 12?" Fuery questioned.

"12 and a half, dick." Breda retorted with a grin.

"What did you do, now?" Falman sighed.

"I don't know," Jean shrugged. "Guess, I'll go find out," he stubbed out his cigarette in his ashtray. "I'll see you guys tomorrow,"

"Alright, seeya!" Kain called.

Jean watched them go and when the door shut, he gave Riza a tentative look. She smiled gently, "No, he didn't tell me, but I've known how he's felt about you for a while."

Jean blinked in shock, "You really are his confidante aren't you?"

"In more ways than one, but I suppose I could pass the torch to you." She said with a soft smile. She slipped on her coat and headed out the door, "Have a good night, you two,"

"We will," Roy replied from behind him, and Jean about had a heart attack.

"Jesus!" Jean shrieked. "You need a bell! A big bell!"

Roy just chuckled and pulled him in for a kiss. Jean pulled away in embarrassment to see Riza grinning at them, before shutting the door behind her.

"Oh my god!" Jean moaned, hiding his beet red face in Roy's chest.

"You know, she has seen two people kiss before," Roy teased.

"It's not the same, and you know it," he growled. After a moment he looked up and saw Roy staring at him like one does with an adorable child. "Stop looking at me like that,"

"Like what?"

"Like I'm a kitten or a puppy,"

"The word you're searching for is **cute**," Roy teased.

"The word _**you're**_ searching for is **couch**," Jean replied.

Roy smiled and kissed him, cupping his ass in his hand. His free hand slid under Jean's jacket and slid along his chest. Jean melted against him, letting his fingers tangle in the dark locks. He whimpered when he felt strong fingers toying with a nipple and teeth teasing his lower lip. When they pulled away Jean was unintentionally grinding against Roy, who to Jean's irritation still seemed very much in control.

Roy grinned down at him, "Dinner?"

"Now?!" Jean questioned, motioning toward their bodies.

"What?" Roy replied, "Are you gonna let me get past your shirt today?"

"Roy!" Jean cried out shrilly, "You know it's weird for me!"

"Oh, you like it," Roy teased. "I'm thinking Italian,"

Jean smiled in return, "Fine, but you're buying…"

Oh ya, he could get used to this…


End file.
